It’s probably one of the hardest lessons of parenthood I’ve had to learn: letting go of my expectations on how I think a day should go, and rolling with how things actually play out. Yep, I’m a bit of a control freak. (To my credit, I work hard to give my six-year-old daughters a sense of control over their own lives by giving them choices and always encouraging them to share how they feel.) I’m just not as chill of a mom as I’d like to be.
Enter scenario #1
I picture the family headed out on a beautiful walk on the trail with the dogs and in my head it’s all Hallmark movie. My husband and I hold hands. Our twin girls skip and smell flowers. Our dogs trot along, tails wagging. In actuality? Our dogs freak out at another dog and bark up a storm, one daughter starts whining that she’s tired and just wants to go home. My husband’s allergies flare up and he can’t breathe.
Enter scenario #2
My husband and I want to enjoy a glass of wine, a movie or devour some good books once the wee ones are sleeping. As we go through our daughters’ nighttime routine, giving baths and reading them stories, I start to picture the quiet house and cozy ambiance that will descend once they drift off to dreamland. As soon as my feet are propped up—and the house seems peaceful—a little one shouts “Mama!” from her bedroom.
Enter scenario #3
We have our road trip packing list. We can’t wait to go visit family. We’re prepared for this 11-hour drive and we will break it up over two days staying in a hotel the first night. Thirty minutes in, one daughter throws up.
Enter scenario #4
I’ve worked out and I’m all sweaty. I can’t wait to shower and feel like a new person again. Inevitably when I head into the shower, our master bathroom becomes grand central station with the girls asking me to find things, the dogs coming in with a “will you please take me for a walk look on their faces” and the doorbell rings because the FedEx guy needs me to sign something. (Why didn’t I appreciate a solo hot shower more pre-kiddos?)
I don’t know why I ever expected parenthood to be orderly or roll out like some master plan that I drummed up in my head. It’s messy. It’s hard. It’s awesome. And days so rarely go according to plan.
Now that I’m six years in to being a mom, I finally realized that the unexpected craziness of life with kids is the beauty of having a family.
Someday the house will be too quiet.
Today I’m much better at rolling with it. I still may visualize how I want a day to go, but now I’m prepared for the unexpected twists and turns. As much as we plan, parenthood sometimes means a day writes itself.
Now I slow down to notice the simple joys in a crazy or tired day. Now I decide to look for special moments I might otherwise miss if I was focused on how the day should have played out.
Someday we will miss this chaos.
Writer Jonathan Lockwood Huie wrote, “a wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect.”
And isn’t this unexpected gift the definition of family?
Sandra Bilbray is a nationally published writer, positive human, and publisher of Asheville Macaroni Kid. She lives in Asheville with her husband, twin girls and two dogs. Email Sandra at SandraB@macaronikid.com
