It was a simple question I put on my Facebook feed: What’s your mom superpower? For a good hour, it was crickets. No answers. I thought to myself, “I bet if I asked, How do you suck as a mom? I’d have a ton of answers in a matter of minutes." I’m only seven years into being a mom, but I’ve noticed moms—myself included—are really good at making ourselves feel badly. We aren’t as talented at recognizing when we are rocking our role.
There’s even a name for it—mom guilt. Every mom knows this term. (Notice there’s no common name for a dad who feels like he isn’t measuring up.)
Why do we do this to ourselves?
The hard parts about being a mom are hard enough (the hormonal roller coaster post-baby, the sleepless nights, the whining, the constant “I’m hungry,” the sibling bickering, the entourage following you into the bathroom, the lack of personal time or space), why do we have to pile on too?
We feel badly …
- for working
- if we don’t stay home
- for staying home
- when we get help
- if we dare miss who we were before becoming a mom
- admitting we don’t like playing pretend
- if we need a break
We feel badly if we don’t love being a mom every second of every day. Worse, we often feel like we have to explain our decisions—to stay home, to love work, to breastfeed, to not breastfeed, to stop breastfeeding, to do daycare, to skip daycare.
I’m guessing you could add to my list with something you’ve felt bad about as a mom. Mom guilt happens from a fictional belief that other moms have it all figured out—and we are just mucking it up. Mom guilt happens when we are judging our every move or thinking other Pinterest-perfect Moms are.
When my daughters were born and I was a mom for the first time in my forties, I felt awkward. I didn’t have any experience around babies unless you count babysitting gigs back in my teens, or holding my nephews as babies during holiday gatherings.
I’d watch a friend of mine with my baby girls and she is a natural. She’d scoop them up, make adorable faces and they’d beam back at her. I’d think, “I’m never going to be that good. She knows exactly what to do and say at all times. Babies and kids love her.” I felt like the awkward Mom who needs Google to function.
My observation was right. I never will be like her. (She’s so good with wee ones she made it her profession.) But instead of feeling bad that pushing two babies out of me didn’t magically turn me into a baby whisperer, I could decide to just rock who I am. I’m the kind of person who is in a good mood at 3 a.m. I’m full of empathy. I love to find little ways to make days more fun. I’m the kind of mom who decided—long before my girls were born—that I’d greet them every morning with a smile, a snuggle and a happy “Good Morning!” each day. I’m a mom who gets my girls all riled up with silliness right before bed when we all should be settling down.
I think my mom skills are enough. I’ve realized I don’t need to be like my friend.
I’m doing my best to drop the mom guilt and I hope you do, too.
Own the mom that you are.
Here’s the thing: If you’re taking the time to ask yourself whether or not you’re a good mom, I’m guessing you already are.
Sandra Bilbray is a nationally published writer, positive human, and publisher of Asheville Macaroni Kid. She lives in Asheville with her husband, twin girls and two dogs. Email Sandra at SandraB@macaronikid.com
Please Note: This article was originally published in 2019.
