The other day author and speaker Mel Robbins tweeted, “Before you say sorry, ask yourself this: Are you apologizing because you mean it or because you can’t sit with the discomfort of someone mad at you?’” Wow. Her words really hit home. People pleasing is an affliction a lot of people share. A long time ago, it used to be the only mode I had.
Here’s what I said on her post:
People pleasing is a common trait found in adult children of alcoholics, and that’s where it developed in me. Keeping the peace as a child meant safety from an out-of-control alcoholic mother. I was attempting to control the uncontrollable. As an adult, this childhood coping strategy is no longer healthy or productive.
People pleasing means you have to be fake. You ignore your own voice. You cast aside how you really feel to keep the peace.
Do you know what it really does? People pleasing takes a giant toll on you and makes you angry because you feel exploited by others. And the uncomfortable truth is you are letting it happen.
Pissing off three people a day is really the cure. It’s the quickest way to getting back to who you are. Set boundaries. Be authentic. Be okay, like Mel Robbins said, with the discomfort of someone angry at you. It’s not easy, but it’s healthy.
Now I’m not advocating that you start a new political fight on Facebook.
Or be mean to a stranger.
You don’t need to go off on someone who wronged you in the past.
Turns out you can piss off three people a day just by being real. Like when you say “No.” Or you don’t agree. And when you set a boundary by drawing lines in the sand of what’s acceptable to you and what’s not.
Practice being REAL.
Do a gut check to make sure your words and actions match how you think and feel. Don’t manufacture what you say or do based on how another person might interpret your words or actions. Stay transparent and true.
During talk therapy in my twenties, my psychologist called people pleasing “playing both sides of a tennis match.” He said, “Just serve.”
I’d usually say, “But …” and he wouldn’t let me justify my people pleasing.
“Just serve the ball,” he said. “Don’t jump the net and try and play the other side.”
Guess what? Life has vastly improved ever since.
Sandra Bilbray is a nationally published writer, regular contributor to Live Happy, and publisher of Asheville Macaroni Kid. She lives in Asheville with her husband, twin girls and two dogs. Email Sandra at SandraB@macaronikid.com
